when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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