I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
