made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
