Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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