1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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