I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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