he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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