I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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