There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
