hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
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There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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