In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
