I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
