Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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