She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
