I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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