I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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