I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
