So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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