im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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