My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
