I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
