when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
