He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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