I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
