just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
