After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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