Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
