no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
