regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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