I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
