it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
