just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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