the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
