All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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