I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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