textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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