nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
