I looked at my own cervix.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
