My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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