the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
