Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
