dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
