dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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