The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
