So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
