I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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