4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
