We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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