I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
