Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
