I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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