The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
