Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
