is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
