So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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