if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You have to summon your inner elephant
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
