I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
