did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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