i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
