I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
