I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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